Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Flat as a pancake

Thats me i am flat.... flat... flat.... flat... my mood that is.

This whole TTC thing is doing my head in, i just had my mumma over and we were chatting and she told me how she is sad about the miscarriage too and she really is and then i realised i am not gonna be trully happy until i am holding my baby in my arms....... or at least showing my big pregnant belly to the world...

I have never wanted something so badly in my life i mean i want this so badly it almost hurts... and my husband J well i really dont know what i would do with out him i love him so very much he is so understanding and loving and i love him so very much........

I want to post in here that i got my BFP that i am pregnant that the baby is sticking i want to post all of those super duper postive things that i really want in my life... i am trying to visualise it all happening for us again i really do

Sorry this is such a downer blog.... i even had a sicky today cause my throat hurt but just as much cause i am so flat i would have just yelled at my kids and been a mean teacher and they dont deserve that at all :)

Wednesday, February 13, 2008


I dont know why but while shaving my legs in the shower all these memories of my life as a young adult (20-24) came flooding back, it was a pretty crappy time of my life. My Ex and i broke up three times in this time (two of those we got back together) and all the while he was in love with another chick... who he is now marrying in two months!!!! I was just remembering some of the shite they put me through once they got together...

It was just hell at the time and really not a nice time for any of us... the hardest bit was that she had an issue with ex partners and always had, so even though we had been friends we werent anymore, this was hard as all my friends were there friends and to do stuff together i had to see them! We were young and i do wonder if it happened now would we have behaved the same way, would it have been so angsty!!!

Recently a friend of mine uninvited her friend cause her ex was gonna be there and i just thought about what had happened to me! I mean people do it to avoid conflict but in reality it does make for the person being left out to be in a sad place... and the worst thing was that because i am not really friends with the other person when she came and bitched to be my about my friend i let her know what happened!!! Boy did i feel guilt for that afterwards when i remembered what i had been through!!!!

Arghhhh having a blog is so good for venting i actually feel better now!!!

I always get these feelings of guilt when i feel this way as i think why do i think of my past when my present and future are so good... i have a husband that adores me, good strong friendships up here and yet i still remember the past!!! I guess you can forget your past and must learn from it!!!

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Blah blah blah

Thats how i am feeling today just bloody blah blah blah

Everything that can go wrong is going wrong, i am over obsessing which is common for me when i am feeling blah... i have a huge zit like thing on my chin that hurts and wont go away. I am over work and it is week three. And to top it off i am not pregnant so there is no real explanation why i feel so bloody blah

i just feel like shite and i want to feel better and i dont!!!

And my husband is being weird to so we are both feeling blah

And my little puppy has got a sollen foot cause her mummy cant get seeds off her so off to the vet to get her all fixed....

man i hate this week

Friday, February 8, 2008

So i did a cheapy test this morning and it was a negative... i am a little bit sad, a little bit dissappointed... so i am gonna go out and buy a more sensitive test and then i am going to also buy a BBT and start temping..

But i am also gonna try and not obsess so much :) i think that has been a bit of a barrier in the whole process... i mean i think stress makes it more likely that it aint gonna happen.... ok so now how do i stop obsessing over it :) ........

Thursday, February 7, 2008

Testing day tommorow

So tommorow is testing day..... yup gonna find out if the baby dust and the bding and all the good luck vibes i have been getting work....

My gut feeling is that they havent but gut feelings have been proved wrong!!!!

My tummy keeps doing flip flops from left to right everytime i think about it.... it is the scariest thing to do.... but i dont know why i mean if i am not pregnant then we will keep on trying, simple really thats not that to hard of a concept to get.

I am glad that i share a staffroom with all boys at work as it has kept my mind off it a little bit. The only time i think of it is at night and the afternoons and if i am not pregnant i will lay off the maternal website for a little while until we are trying again.

Saying that the women on there are the best. I would not have got through any of this if it hadnt have been for them, they have made the whole process so much easier

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Off to work, but i dont wanna

I love my job really (im a teacher) but today i just cant be bothered. I am in a state of nervousness that i cant shake, i want sunday to arrive to see if AF does but i dont want to get my hopes up!!!!

Arghhh why cant your body just be pregnant without all the stress to get there!!!!!

Ok i really must go and get ready for work, i am hungry too :)

Hmmmm my first post

So i wanted to have a blog that i could share with my family and my friends (online and RL). Something that i can show to my future children.

I want my future children see the journey that me and thier daddy took to get them here on this earth. I also want a place to put my thoughts my boring every day activities, i guess another outlet for my busy little mind...

So where did my journey start.... i met J my husband four years ago, he is the man i had been waiting for.. my ex D was not a bad guy but there was something missing, when i met J i found that... and although our road to love hasnt been smooth we got thier and married October 2007

We feel pregnant with our little angel on the honeymoon, i will never forget J's reaction when i told him....

J - "what do two pink lines mean"
Me - that i am pregnant
J- OH well i am gonna finish gettin ready

not the response i had been looking for, but he came around!!!

But this bubba wasnt meant to be and i had a dandc on the 5th of December 2007.... Being that i am the queen of i'll be right i said i'll be right, guess what i wasnt...Lucky i am a teacher and had six weeks to myself recovering....

Well i said we were gonna wait to try but no i am also not very patient, so we started trying this cycle.... OH MY GOD. I hate the two week wait (and for all my fellow TTCers you will know what that is )

Talk about reading into every symptom my body has i mean come on.. My back is hurting... oh i must be pregnant... i feel sick oh i must be pregnant... my boobs dont hurt, well i cant be pregnant. It is doing my head in at the moment, but i am not driving hubby mad, yet (wait till this weekend) just all my friends on Maternal :) love you girls xoxox

So i have to wait till sunday to test, my last period was 28 days on saturday so if it doesnt turn up by then i will be testing, i am freaking out, i just want to know but if it comes i know i will be depressed. Why oh why does holding that baby in my arms have to such a stressfull journey